"BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER" , wooden nickel

"BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER"

1. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. 2. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. 3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 4. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 5. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 6. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 7. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. 8. Things you buy now won't wear out. 9. You can buy a compass for the dash of your car. 10. You can eat dinner at 4 PM. 11. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 12. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV. 13. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. 14. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. 15. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 16. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 17. You got cable TV for the weather channel. 18. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 19. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 20. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 21. You send money to PBS. 22. You sing along with the elevator music. 23. You talk about "good grass", and you're referring to someone's lawn. 24. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 25. Your back goes out more than you do. 26. Your ears are hairier than your head. 27. Your eyes won't get much worse. 28. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 29. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. 30. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 31. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

===================================================== . Drinks of the New Year

Absolute Zero............Absolute vodka over frozen nitrogen Alexander the Grrreat....Gin, creme de cacao and sweet cream over Cornflakes American in Paris........Kentucky bourbon and champagne Black Sabbath............Kahlua and Mogen David wine Blind Faith..............Wood alcohol and sacramental wine Blood Clot...............Vodka, tomato juice and Jell-O Bloody Awful.............Vodka and ketchup Blue Moon................Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva Coleman Cooler...........White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs and sand Fuzzy Naval Base.........Peach schnapps, orange juice and ammonia George Bush..............George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer Gorbachev................Vodka with a splash of port wine Honeydew the Dishes......Midori and Dawn Marie Antoinette.........Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer Martinizer...............Gin, vermouth and carbon tetrachloride Mary Poppins.............Vodka, tomato juice and a spoonful of sugar Mexican Hairless.........Tequila and Minoxidil Oil of Ole...............Mazola and Sangria Peter, Paul, and Mary....Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine and tomato juice Phillips' Screwdriver....Vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia Port in a Storm..........Red wine and rainwater Quack Doctor.............Cold duck and Dr. Pepper A Rum with a View........Bacardi and Visine Rum-Pole of the Bailey...Bacardi rum, Popov vodka and Bailey's Irish Cream Sake-to-me...............Rice wine, punch and nitrous oxide Scotch Tapeworm..........Dewar's and Mescal Shipwreck................Cutty Sark on the rocks Short Wave...............Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup and pomegranate Sinead O'Connor..........Irish whiskey and Nair Skid Roe.................Muscatel and caviar Sour Kraut...............Schnapps and lemon juice Sundae Driver............Vodka, orange juice and ice cream Tequila Mockingbird......Jose Cuervo and birdseed

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::=:: LOVE and MARRIAGE ::=:: Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant. Marriage is Chinese take-out.

Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is losing your appetite. Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is a flickering flame. Marriage is a flickering television.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"

============================================= . New Year's Resolutions/Goals

The Basic Difference: HER (X) / HIS(Y)

X: Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water Y: One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)

X: ONLY one chocolate bar per week Y: ONLY three nights at bar per week

X: Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week Y: Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote

X: Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine Y: Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list

X: Get organized/clean house Y: Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)

X: Buy new Daily Planner Y: Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture

X: Read More / Less TV Y: Buy Dish - More sports channels!!

X: Plan budget / Save more money Y: Only three nights at bar per week ===================================================

Just Give Me Love I care not riches, In gold or in fame. I don't want publicity, Or lights on my name.

Give me the love Of a young mother fair; I'll love her till silver streaks Gleam in her hair.

Give me the love Of a robust small child With hair slightly rumpled, And eyes sparkling mild.

Give me the love Of the man I adore; May our love last To eternity's shore.

Just give me love-- Heartfelt and true, God's wonderful gift To me and to you!

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A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before New Years!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

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"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

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What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don't Like*. (And does this work for Fruitcake too?)

10. "Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"

9. "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!"

8. "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"

7. "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"

6. "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"

5. "You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"

4. "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"

3. "And it's such an interesting color too!"

2. "You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"

And the number one thing to say about the Christmas gifts you didn't like is: "You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"

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