Windows Jokes II...............(continued from windows error messages)

MORE JOKES...



What the '95' in 'Windows 95' meens?

The year it was due to ship. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run. The number of minutes to install. The percentage of existing windoze programs that won't run in the new OS. The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware. The number of floppies it will ship in. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date. The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed. The number of seconds before it crashes.







Proper Disk Care

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.











Ten signs you're an Internet geek.

Two words: "Pizza's here." After winning the office Super Bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!" At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server." You introduce your wife as "my [email protected]" and refer to your children as "client applications." You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is, "Hi, what's your URL?" When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.









Bill Gates perfect car vision

People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.

Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.

You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.

You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.

The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker - a first.

New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.



*****************THE END*******************

sorry, that was quite alot, but hey, i thought they were funny...(most atleast)

PS- goto this site... http://www.geocities.com/foxware_2000/jokes.htm

Show all stories by   Author:  43586 ( Click here )