"If You Love Somebody" , wooden nickel

"If You Love Somebody"

THE ORIGINAL VERSION: If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

THE PLAYFUL VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... * If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat *

THE LAWYER'S VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

THE BILL GATES VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION:: If you love somebody, Set her free... If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION: If you love somebody don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... instantaneously... and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, her super ego is dominant If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans. If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

THE MARKETING VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, she has brand loyalty If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

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. The Guy Dictionary

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

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In Chicago there is a Veterinary Medicine Clinic that specializes in cats. Surprisingly, it's called The Chicago Cat Clinic. In their parking lot is a sign that reads,

" PARKING FOR CHICAGO CAT CLINIC ONLY VIOLATORS WILL BE DE-CLAWED AND NEUTERED ! "

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PROVERBS TO LIVE BY

"As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.

But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station.

I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they would let him out.

Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist so we won't always hear "on the other hand..."

The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever!

$100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it will be worth nothing.

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LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

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