Lessons I Learned the Hard Way... (Miskela)

[From my website. Used with persmission.]

LESSONS I LEARNED THE HARD WAY

Silly but true. There are just some things you need to learn by living, even when your friends, parents, and relatives try and give you the easy way out. This is my list of some of those things. And I can assure you that I've done them all, at least once. Tragically, even twice on some of them. So here we go...

Lick your fingers before you remove gum from your mouth.

No lie. I've had gum bits sticking to my fingers, my clothes, paper, appliances, etc. because I didn't take those extra .23 seconds to moisten my fingers up first.

Check the door sign for "Push" or "Pull" before you run into it.

This also applies to checking to see if the door is unlocked as well. I've walked full-speed into my office door thinking that it'd be unlocked only to find myself french-kissing the window and sporting an attractive bump on my forehead.

Don't poke your fingers into running fans.

It hurts. Don't do it. Learn from my idiocy.

Don't put pinkies in staplers thinking that if you press on the handle long enough you won't staple yourself.

I did that. Twice.

Always check to make sure you locked the bathroom door.

I think we can all appreciate the value of this little bit of advice. This applies to both public and resident washrooms.

Get the directions first.

Don't wing it. I've tried winging it. I've said, "Oh sure. I know where I'm going. It's...that way." I drove with 100% certainty toward the exactly OPPOSITE direction I was supposed to be going. If you think you've got one of those "knacks" for direction, goody for you. For the rest of us, buy a map or use driving directions (both ways!) from MapQuest.

Check that you have your keys in hand before you lock the door.

Don't even get me started. I now place them in exactly the same place every day so that I know where they'll be. Before I ever established any kind of routine, I've had major crying fits of frustration calling my family at work, sobbing into the phone that I can't find my keys. I've also climbed through hundreds of different windows after accidentally locking myself out. I'm quite the B&E expert now.

Rinse off your excruciatingly cold popsicle before you put it in your mouth.

Yeah. Been there done that. It's like the metal pole thing from "A Christmas Story". Cold object. Attach tongue. Thit lieth thith forth a whilth untith thomeone thumth and geth you. (Translation: Sit like this for a while until someone comes and gets you.) Then you get to deal with that whole loss of three layers of skin thing and, frankly, after that the popsicle just doesn't taste as good. (Probably because you just lost your taste buds.)

Don't put birthday cakes under the bed.

Well you can. But the ant infestation may make you think twice about eating it. My mom did this when I was in grade 6. She bought me an absolutely delicious chocolate birthday cake and hid it under her bed until I got home. Hiding it in the fridge would have been silly since I would have seen it, right? Needless to say, we enjoyed every bite of it, and picking ants off every three or four seconds didn't bother us a bit. (This just shows you how dedicated we are to confections.)

Don't lick stamps with gum in your mouth.

My mom did this. Needless to say, the stamp was super duper extra sticky (and lumpy by the time she finally got it on the letter).

Don't drink pop before bed.

I'm still learning this lesson. Why? Because I'm an idiot. I have a late dinner, we do the whole McDonald's thing, I get my Coca Colaaaaaaaaaaaaa...aaaaaaaaand I'm up. All night. I'm lying in bed at 1:00 in the morning and my body is exhausted and I can FEEL the blood coursing through my veins and my mind is racing a hundred miles an hour.

Don't have Mexican food on date night.

'nuff said.

Go to the washroom BEFORE you leave.

You know...this is such a simple one. Yet I to this DAY end up driving home and/or walking through the mall doing the Pee Pee Dance. I mean, I could feel my bladder giving me the, "Okay...now I'll just nudge her a bit." By the time I get home I'm in full sprint (hope I unlocked the door or it's the head-bang thing again), racing against time and my body screaming at me for release, trying to make it to the washroom in time.

Test your food for heat BEFORE you put it in your mouth.

Another lesson I need to relearn on a daily basis. I can't count how many times I've frantically searched the table for water (anyone's water, I don't care) doing that whole blow-blow-blow thing, my eyes watering endlessly, until I can get some COLD in my volcanically heated mouth. I'm shaking my head even as I write this.

Sunscreen. Even on the bottom of your feet.

Ever fall asleep at the beach lying on your stomach? Ever try walking on hot pavement with burned feet? It hoits don't it? You can't NOT walk. It's not like if you burn your back, you can just put some burn cream on it and wear a loose shirt. The day someone figures out that whole permanent levitation thing, lemme know.

Keep your face away from the microwave popcorn bag when you open it.

Think lobster. Think third degree burns. Think of the hours of laughter your friends will have at your expense for pulling such a dorky move.

Wet you AND the wetsuit before you put it on.

Tell me about it. Try putting on a dry wetsuit when your body is wet. Try putting on a wet wetsuit when your body is dry. Try finagling your body into a device that is three sizes too small in hot temperatures sweating like a pig.

Don't touch mousetraps.

RJ: "What's this?" <poke> Mousetrap: SNAP! RJ: "Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

This happened. It also happened to his younger brother, Natie, a month later. The good news is, they don't poke mousetraps anymore. The bad news is, apparently you can set them off simply by brushing the corner of a blanket across them. How do I know this? I lost 10 years off my life when I did that. Thought I'd lost a toe.

Only talk as fast as your brain works.

Sage advice. On several occasions I've made absolutely NO sense whatsoever because my mouth could not keep up with my brain and vice versa. My husband has frequently looked at me and said, "WHAT did you just say because that was NOT English?"

Never perm dyed hair.

Unless of course you never expect to BRUSH IT AGAIN.

Righty-tighty. Lefty-loosey.

Forget clockwise and counter-clockwise. This works better.

Never talk negatively about ANYONE in the same building as you.

Sure enough, in mid-blast, they'll walk around the corner.

Don't let your parents teach you to drive.

My mom had the "invisible brake" thing going the WHOLE time I learned to drive. Not only that but she was doing that whole GASPING thing when she thought I was about to rear-end someone. Okay, I was but did she really have to over-react like that? I could have gotten into an accident for crying out loud.

Don't let siblings cut your hair.

Especially if they are under the age of 10 and don't usually like you very much.

Take the wrapper off deli wieners.

It's so thin. Who could tell? Until you pop one in your mouth and get that charming crunchy chewy synthesized taste of plastic in your mouth.

Don't sleep with gum in your mouth.

Especially that Black Cat gum they used to make in the seventies. I fell asleep with about three pieces of that stuff in my mouth and woke up with a wad of black tar in my hair the next morning. My mom had to cut it out. I was mocked and ridiculed. (Good gum, though.)

Never get into "I bet you can't..." games.

I knew a lady who was dared to drink an entire bottle of ketchup. She threw up for three days.

Check to ensure the toilet seat is in it's proper place before using it.

I've actually FALLEN into the toilet BOWL because the toilet seat was up. So there you go. A little late-night advice.



Miskela