" "Answering Machines" " , wooden nickel

"Answering Machines"

Are you bored with that tired old "We're not home right now, but please leave a message." Well here are some novel new messages for you to try.

It will both amuse your friends and family, and keep them wondering...

1) Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money

3) "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

5) (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

6) "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

7) The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

8) He-lo! This is (your name goes here). If you leave message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a *sexy* message, I'll call sooner!

9) "If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

10) "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

11) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

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. Jill was startled to see the nonchalant way Myrddin was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Myrddin said.

"Waiting for what?" asked Jill.

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller fellow."

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. A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing. The pastor was highly gratified and told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."

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Q. Why does Dolly Parton have such little feet? A. Some things don't grow well in the shade.

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