TERRIBLE FOOD
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things.
"First: Why did you revolt?
"Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."
"I see. What did you use to break the bars?", the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast."
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In October, the Indians asked their Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter will be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is indeed going to be very cold." So the Chief went back to encourage his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, and asked again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief went back to his people and ordered them to go out and bring back every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" ================
Yesterday's tears build a river, Washing the soul of its pain, Cleansing the heart and mind Like a gentle sweet spring rain.
When you feel you have cried your river And your throat aches from tears shed And your mind is exhausted from feeling Or your heart feels as if it is dead...
Raise your eyes to the skies and recall How lovely a full moon can be. See the stars shining gently on all, And remember how good friends can be.
Call that friend who you know is there, Waiting to help you through pain, The one who does not judge, but listens, So that you may soon love again!
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A woman was caught for speeding and told to pull over to the side of the road. Realizing she didn't have her seat belt on, as soon as she stopped she quickly buckled up before the officer reached her window. After lecturing her about speeding, the cop said, "I notice you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Most definitely, officer," she replied. "I see," said the cop, "and do you always wear it looped through the steering wheel?"
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A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?"
"Right after the National Anthem."
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?'"
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