"Well, I guess it was the thing to do , wooden nickel

A Fisherman's Tale

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

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A Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the water, she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished. She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?" A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay, I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?" She responds, "He had a hat."

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A Jewish mother is walking down the street with her two young sons. A passerby asks her how old the boys are. "The doctor is three" the mother answers, "and the lawyer is two.

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A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine" If you want lox and eggs, dial 1 If you want knishes press 2; If you want chicken soup, press 3; If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4; If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the Wrong Number since NOBODY ever asks me how I am feeling. Who knows I could even be dead by now.

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A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. "Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today ?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

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A lady bought a new Lexus, which cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back complaining that the radio wasn't working. "Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automated. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!" She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looks at the radio and says, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On The Road Again. "The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted, Nat King Cole, she got it. Stopped at an intersection, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly avoided a collision. "BUTTHEAD..." she muttered. And, from the radio: "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States, GEORGE BUSH."

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HELPFUL HINTS For The Ex-Bachelor!

Guys - finally getting married or moving in with that significant other? Here are a few hints to help with the transition of living with a female!

Put the seat back down when you're done.

Don't hog the blankets.

Don't drink straight from the carton.

Never drink all of the juice except for a few drops and then put the pitcher back in the refrigerator.

Flatulence does nothing for "the mood".

Don't clip your toenails in bed.

Use your OWN toothbrush.

Reds are considered darks, not lights.

Never belch and pretend that it was a hiccup.

Roll from the bottom, not squeeze from the middle.

Don't expect a kiss if you ate garlic for lunch.

No cameras in the bathroom!

Never sit around in your underwear.

Don't use the last of the toilet paper and then pretend you didn't notice.

Don't pick your ears at the table, and for goodness sake, don't smell your finger afterwards either.

And importantly, encourage domestic harmony by learning to answer "Yes, dear." to all prompts!



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The Mistake Test

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is moron cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

Betcha can't resist passing it on! ;-)

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