How to avoid a horror movie lifestyle ~Huma

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery that was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad, died in some horrible or who performed satanic practices, move away immediately.

When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.

When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.



If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from them".

Don't make fun of or play with dead things.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.

Never have sex in the bunk beds of recently renovated summer camps.

Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.

People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.

On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.

If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are:

A) either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or

B) Will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anyways because you are inferior to them.

If you assist the villain of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other than death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villain wants as their own.

If any animals, such as Birds, Piranha, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that animal for they will not believe you.

Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second.

When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dog meat anyway.

When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.

Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake).

If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself) by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.

If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.

If you are using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload).

If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, abandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many anti-biotic you take, yer gonna become one of 'em.

Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.

If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one who ever survives is a female.

In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.

When your local coast-line is being terrorized by a great white shark, do not go swimming and never go hunting for the shark in a tiny wooden boat loaded with dynamite and beers ! ( by Becky..thanks sis).

Beware of talking or overly life-like toys and/or dolls. You saw what happened with Chuckie.

Don't mess around with dead flesh to create a monster of sorts. If you succede it will ultimately turn on you and kill you.

If you are a well-endowed female, you'll be the first one to die, especially if you take you're clothes off.

If any of your companions (male and female) have elevotors that don't reach the top floor, stay away from them. They are dead meat.

Look at the film credits and paycheck for the other cast members, the higher the paycheck and/or the greater the number of films the more likely that cast memeber to survive. Therefore stay with them.

If the killer has stalked you over the phone lines, don't take a job as a phone counselor.

If you sense something is behind you, don't bother turning around to check. Just run.

If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in the electronic garage door will not help you any.

Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

Never answer the phone when you are babysititng. Just get the hell out of there and leave the kids for dead.

If you are a girl with long blonde hair, blue eyes and big boobs, well, you are pretty much screwed.

Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.

If the young girls of the neighborhood start singing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.

If one night you see a dark haired girl carrying around dolls with the eyes scratched out, back away slowly, then run like hell.

If you buried your child in a strange place and he came back as a demon, DON'T bury your wife in the same place.

If you are fleeing from a killer or supernatural being and you see a cop car, run right by it. There are three possible ways that things will turn out if you try to get the cops attention and none are good:

A. The cop is already dead in some gruesome way that will cause you to scream and alert the killer/monster as to where you are.

B. The cop will probably end up dead as he tries to help you, this will only distract the killer away from you for a few seconds, but chances are you will end up getting killed anyway.

C. The supernatural being has assumed the form of a cop and just when you think you are safe...he will kill you.

If the killer is standing three feet in front of you, don't just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may comes as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.

Exhuming graves "for a laugh" is not funny. You will not always get rescued by a priest claiming "he kicks arse for the Lord"

Nothing good is ever going to happen to you in a morgue.

If, while looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don't see upon turning around, a room different from the one you are in, or a figure other than yourself looking back, or your reflection tells you to get out before it is too late, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed.

Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be viewed with fear. Especially on the spot where the event took place. Most especially on even century anniversaries. And certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants.

If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!

If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.

If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.

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