"Why Women Cry..." , wooden nickel

"Why Women Cry..."

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will." Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said: "When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

Please send this to all the beautiful women you know today in celebration of Women's History Month. If you do, something good will happen - You will boost another woman's self-esteem!

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Real Groaners!

How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too long? Polaroids

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

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The Difference Between CATS and DOGS









What are CATS?



- Cats do whatever they want and you have no idea what they are thinking. - They rarely listen to you. - They're totally unpredictable. - They whine when they are not happy. - When you want to play, they want to be alone. - When you want to be alone, they want to play. - They expect you to cater to their every whim. - They're moody. - They leave hair everywhere. - They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.





CONCLUSION: Cats are little WOMEN in fur coats.

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What are DOGS?



- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture they're allowed to sit on. - They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. - They growl when they are not happy. - They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't listen to you when you're in the same room. - When you want to play, they want to play. - When you want to be alone, they want to play. - They are great at begging. - They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. - They leave their toys everywhere. - They do disgusting things with their mouths and then kiss you.





CONCLUSION: Dogs are little MEN in fur coats.

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HOW TO ANNOY A STAR WARS FAN When someone starts going on about the life-changing role the Star Wars movies have played in their developmental years, casually announce that you've never seen any of them, but hear they are "pretty good."

Get important terminology wrong -- this drives the true fanatic nuts! Confuse Wookies with "Winkies"; call Yoda "Yodel"; refer to Return of the Jedi as Revenge of the Jedi, Phantom Menace as Planet Menace, and Attack of the Clones as Send in the Clowns. Get very annoyed when corrected.

Get the names of the key characters wrong, or better still -- forget them. "You remember the guy from these movies, you know, the one with the plastic head and the respiratory problem?" or "Oh, yeah, Ben-Wa Kenubi, my favorite, played by that English bloke. Wassisname. Sounds like a beer or something." Insist that The Empire Strikes Back is the only worthwhile Star Wars movie because it is "sooo dark."

Deliberately confuse science-fiction universes and inhabitants. Double fun and satisfaction as this offends two sets of rabid Nerdocracies at the same time. For example, insist that Luke Gripewater is fighting for "The Federation" and that Chewbaccy is a Vulcan. Insist that "to boldly go where no man has gone before" is a Jedi commandment. Brush off any attempt at correction with a dismissive "whatever. As if anybody really cares."

Make vaguely unsettling insinuations about George Lucas. Try "isn't he involved in some sort of DNA-cloning controversy?" or "I hear he only talks to his mother via a TV monitor," or "I read this piece where he said Star Wars was written for people who hate sex." Insist that there is a "latent homo-erotic subtext" to the Han Solo/Luke Skystalker relationship and you are uncomfortable with Lucas' "non-critical, neo-Nazi aesthetic." When asked what you are talking about, roll your eyes and refer to the "blatant homage to Riefenstahl's Triumph of the Will" at the end of the first movie, then add, "Don't tell me you didn't notice?"

When some sad sack describes the insane lengths he went to for Attack of the Clondes -- camping out on the street, taking time off work, neglecting loved ones, not bathing and so on, respond by saying someone "in the business" gave you a couple of free tickets to the official opening, but you lost them and add, "Funny, that's the first time I thought about it." When they just won't shut up about how it's the most spectacular movie event of all time and how you would have to be a moron not to dedicate every waking moment to it, simply say, "Yeah, my little sister and her little friends get a kick out of it all. You know how it is with these pop space movies."

The ultimate is to play stupid that the movie was even a big event. "Attack of the Clones? Yeah, I heard something about that in the local newspaper. Something about the guy that made the first four is going at it again or something? Dunno ... "

When someone is sitting there theorizing about how there's probably secret messages and things you can see if you look closely in the movie, just calmly sit there and say in a whisper, "Then I guess you haven't played it backwards in a VCR before?" Try not to laugh as the person (attempting to look calm and collected) slowly gets up, starts walking out of sight, then see him bolt down the street towards their house to try it. Depending on how avid of a fan the person is, look for the smoke trail.

To make the last suggestion even more fun, wait for them to call back after they have gone through the whole movie backwards and couldn't find anything in Phantom Menace. Tell them, "Oh, that's right, it was in one of the other three episodes." When they tell you the lengths they went through and the sleepless nights spent trying to get a pirated copy before everyone got to see it in the theater, tell them, "That's funny, I simply called the 1-800 number that was all over the Internet and got it mailed to me the same day, three weeks before the movie came out."

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There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the fence. The first day the boy had to drive 15 nails into the fence.

Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."

A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.



Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole in your fence.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe of Native Americans. The chief says to them "The bad news is that now that we have caught you, we are going to kill you and use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die". The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison". The chief gives him some and the Frenchman says, " Vive La France!" and swallows the poison. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief provides the weapon, the Englishman points it to his head, says, "God save the Queen",and pulls the trigger. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork". The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and provides the fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over his stomach, his sides, his chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over. It is horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing??? Are you crazy??? The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, butthead".

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A four-year-old Nina wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying her eyes out. "What's the matter young lady?" asks a concerned shop assistant. "I've lost my mummy!" wails little Nina, sobbing convulsively. "Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant. "Now what's mummy like?" "Big men and vodka," sobs little Nina

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A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

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