What Women Want in a Man
What Women Want in a Man, age 22 Handsome Charming Financially successful A caring listener Witty In good shape Dresses with style Appreciates finer things Full of thoughtful surprises An imaginative, romantic lover.
What Women Want in a Man, age 32 Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) Opens car doors, holds chairs Has enough money for a nice dinner Listens more than talks Laughs at my jokes Carries bags of groceries with ease Owns at least one tie Appreciates a good home cooked meal Remembers birthdays and anniversaries Seeks romance at least once a week.
What Women Want in a Man, age 42 Not too ugly (bald head OK) Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally Nods head when I'm talking Usually remembers punchlines of jokes Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture Wears a shirt that covers his stomach Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids Remembers to put the toilet seat down Shaves most weekends.
What Women Want in a Man, age 52 Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed Doesn't belch or scratch in public Doesn't borrow money too often Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear Appreciates a good TV dinner Remembers my name on occasion Shaves some weekends.
What Women Want in a Man, age 62 Doesn't scare small children Remembers where bathroom is Doesn't require much money for upkeep Only snores lightly when asleep Remembers why he's laughing Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself Usually wears clothes Likes soft foods Remembers where he left his teeth Remembers that it's the weekend.
What Women Want in a Man, age 72 Breathing Doesn't miss the toilet
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In 1832, he was a 22-year old business failure.
That same year he ran for the legislature and was defeated.
In 1833, he was a business failure once again.
In 1836, he was said to have suffered a nervous breakdown.
In 1838, he lost in an effort to become Speaker of the House in the State Legislature.
Five years later, he ran for Congress--again it was in vain.
In 1846, he ran for Congress and won --- only to lose his re-election bid in 1848.
He ran for the Senate in 1854, and lost.
He ran for the Vice-presidential nomination in 1856, and lost that too.
In 1860, he became the 16th President of the United States.
Honest Abe Lincoln It just goes to show you that it matters not what others think of you , Success is going from one failure to the next without losing your courage and ambition.
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How to Impress HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN 1. Compliment her. 2. Respect her. 3. Honor her. 4. Cuddle her. 5. Kiss her. 6. Caress her. 7. Love her. 8. Stroke her. 9. Tease her. 10. Comfort her. 11. Protect her. 12. Hug her. 13. Hold her. 14. Spend money on her. 15. Wine and dine her. 16. Listen to her. 17. Care for her. 18. Stand by her. 19. Support her. 20. Go to the ends of the Earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN 1. Show up naked. 2. Bring food.
================================================ Bashing the Sexes
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 min.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual Harassment
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The love is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The love is the same, but you get the remote.
Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common? A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: Why are men like public toilets? A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.
Q: How do men sort their laundry? A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A golden retriever.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody
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Hmmmm...
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Why are rich people eccentric, but everyone else is just weird?
Why are boxing rings square?
Are there such things as imitation rhinestones?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the bottom of the pan?
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
What happens if you have amnesia and deja vu at the same time?
Why are self-evident truths seldom either?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Did Houdini ever lock his keys in his car?
If you make wine out of raisins, do you have to wait for it to age?
If God took LSD, would he see people?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If you pull the wings off a butterfly, would it be called a "butterwalk"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why do you drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
When a clown dies, do all his friends go to the funeral in one car?
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More Jokes About MEN!!!
Why are men like strawberries? Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do, most of them are rotten!
The best way to ensure that a man remembers your anniversary is to marry him on his birthday!
Why did God give men larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man you pass when you walk down the street.
Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him!
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle!
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix? It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
Why don't men show their feelings? Because they are afraid that it will scare away the woman before they can get her into bed.
Men are like fires... They go out if unattended!
Single men in their 40's often have a problem finding women at their level of maturity. That's why they date girls half their age.
Never trust a man who says he's single, then picks you up in a Volvo with a child seat in the back.
If men read Playboy for the articles... Then women go to malls for the music.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what *else* is on TV.
If men are so competent, how come you always see signs reading "DANGER - MEN WORKING"?
Why can't Stevie Wonder sort his laundry? Because he's a man!
How do you know a man is really sick? He isn't whining about being sick!
What is the difference between garbage and men? When you throw the garbage out, it stays out!
How can you can tell a man is planning for the future? He buys TWO cases of beer.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that he's too old for it!
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Halloween is Right around the corner.. .
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niff:: all the girls in there are anorexic so they are no fun to look at 
