"How about a date , wooden nickel

A cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man in the barbershop. The man said, "How about a date later?" "I'm married," she answered. With a wink he said, "So, just tell him you're going out with your girlfriends." "Tell him yourself," she said, "he's shaving you."

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A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves. "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No, I don't have any idea." "Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." She didn't laugh one bit. Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

================================================================================= A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago... Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water." ..."But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, ..."Wedding cake."

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A doctor, an engineer and a politician were arguing over who's profession had been around the longest. The doctor said, "Man would not have survived this long if there wasn't a doctor to take care of him, so my profession has certainly been around the longest." The engineer said, "But the universe used to be nothing but chaos. There must have been an engineer around to put everything in order, so MY profession has definitely been around the longest. "HA!" cried the politician, "Who do you think created all that chaos?"(

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A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table. The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone. Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"? She says, "I was in bed". "In bed this late in the day, doing what"? "I was getting a second opinion" she replied.

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A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patients room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked Patient #1 what he was doing. The Patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor then inquired what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh, He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is turning all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend don't you think you should help him down from there before he hurts himself?" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark!?"(

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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150(

================================================================================= A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around and lack of a bath." "Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

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A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He walks down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk replies, "Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!" The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up."Have you found Jesus?" he asked. "Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!" says the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!" the drunk slurs again. Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you found Jesus YET?" The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"(

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