More Funny Stuff!!!!

Things Your Mom Would Never Say to You

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back? Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too. Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week. Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day. Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper. The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here. Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad. Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs? Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble. Britney & Christina Get Locked Out

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to her friend and said," Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!" Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 - Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.

December 7 - Debug Windows 2000

December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 - Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 - Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of Jesus.

December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. The Real Skywalker Lineage

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down....)

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him! Darth Vader: No, Luke... I am your father! Luke: No! It's not true! It's impossible. Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true. Luke: NO! Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours? Luke: Threepio? Darth Vader : Yes, C-3PO. I built him -- when I was only seven years old. Luke: No! Darth Vade : Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself: No job, No lightsaber, no hand, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp. Luke: I destroyed the Death Star! Darth Vader When you were 20! When I was ten, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship! Luke: Well, it's not my fault... Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh! Luke: Shut up. Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights! Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon! Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor...! Listen, ten years old and winner of the Boonta Eve Open, the only human to ever fly a Pod Racer -- right here, baby! (Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.) Darth Vader : I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine. (Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.) Darth Vader : Get a haircut!'

Top 5 Lines Never Heard On The X-Files

5. "Sure we could have these people killed to protect what they know... but isn't that a little harsh?" 4. "I've seen this one before, Scully. His name is Casper and he's what we call a 'friendly' ghost." 3. "Look under the mask... this is no swamp monster. It's Mr. Handy, the owner of the old country store!" 2. "Well, Agent Mulder...you've caught us. We'll cooperate fully, of course." 1. "Gosh, I guess we were wrong. The government did have our best interests at heart, after all."

Writing's Powerful Message

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages. Hollywood Lessons

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.