More Funny Stuff!!

Best Excuse For Speeding

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.

''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''

''Have a nice night,'' said the officer

A Husband's Moment of Realization

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

How to Know if You're a Redneck Jedi

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 2. You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans. 3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth. 4. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored. 5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. 6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. 7. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok. 8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. 10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas. 11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force. 12. Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..hmmm?'' 13. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. 14. You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. 15. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters. 16. Wookies are offended by your B.O. 17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. 18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. 19. You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer. 20. Your father told you, ''Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot.'' 21. You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a bar-b-que.