REALLY REALLY FUNNY LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Letter From Barbie To The CEO Of Mattel

Chief Executive Officer Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA

Dear Sir,

Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:

. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? .

. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie Dreamhouse Malibu, CA

Ways To Survive Dull Sermons

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. See if a yawn really is contagious. Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet. Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory. Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn. If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. Imagine you are 4 years old.

Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn you shirt inside out. Try to raise one eyebrow. Practice smiling insincerely. Crack your knuckles. Think about your chin for an entire minute. Twiddle your thumbs. Twiddle your neighbours thumbs. Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Top 14 Threats Used In A Dysfunctional Family

. "If this Plexiglas wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man."

. "Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!"

. "Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!"

. "If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!"

. "Don't make me put you back in the womb!"

. "You just wait til your father gets paroled!"

. "Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!"