United States vs. Canada , & Female Stages of Life , WOODEN NICKEL

United States vs. Canada

Two Americans boarded a flight out of Salt Lake City after the hockey game.One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Canadian got on and took the aisle seat.

After take-off, the Canadian kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the American in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer." "No problem," said the Canadian, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the Americans picked up the Canadian's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the beer, the other American said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Canadian obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other American picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The Canadian returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Canadian slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.

"How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes, and peeing in beers?"

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Female Stages of Life

AGE DRINK 17 - Wine Coolers 25 - White wine 35 - Red wine 48 - Dom Perignon 66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 - Need to wash my hair 25 - Need to wash and condition my hair 35 - Need to colour my hair 48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair 66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT 17 - shopping 25 - shopping 35 - shopping 48 - shopping 66 - shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 - "Burger King" 25 - "Free meal" 35 - "A diamond" 48 - "A bigger diamond" 66 - "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY 17 - tall, dark and handsome 25 - tall, dark and handsome with money 35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 - a man with hair 66 - a man

HOUSE PET 17 - Muffy the cat 25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat 48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat 66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 - 17 25 - 25 35 - 35 48 - 48 66 - 66

IDEAL DATE 17 - He offers to pay 25 - He pays 35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 - He can chew his breakfast

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Rules Of Men's Fashions

Rule #1: A man must never buy pants with the word "bottom" in the name, such as "Cavernous Bottom", "Bulbous Bottom", "Bottomless Bottom" or "My God, is that your Bottom?" jeans.

Rule #2: Before purchasing any item of clothing, a man must raise his right hand and repeat aloud the following somber pledge: "I [your name here] do solemnly swear that [clothes item here] does not make me look like Travolta from Saturday Night Fever, Grease or Urban Cowboy. So help me, John."

Rule #3: A man must walk out of the store if a clerk makes reference at any time to his crotch, particularly the dreaded comment/accusation "it's a little roomy in the crotch there, isn't it sir?" As for the unexpected reverse crotch fabric yank and tuck maneuver executed at many finer men's stores, you can expect to hear from our lawyers.

Rule #4: A man must show no hint of style or flair and strive at all times to approximate Stalin-era work camp garb. To help resist the urge to improvise, simply recall those 70's shirts with french street scenes, long beagle dog collars, and absolutely no natural fibers. These were once thought to be stylish. Men might still be wearing them today, were it not for OSHA's landmark ruling that they were simply too flammable for public use.

Rule #5: A man must never purchase clothes with visible writing, unless it is related to sports or Bart Simpson. This is especially true of Euro-sounding phrases like "Chunnel Boy" or sissified concoctions such as "Mummsy's Yacht Club".

Rule #6: A man must never independently spend more than twenty dollars on any item of clothing. Suits, and other big-ticket items are covered in Appendix A: "Asking Mom for Help";

Rule #7: One item per category. If you are shopping with your mate and she suggests "these slacks are nice," the proper response is "I already *have* a pair of pants. When your one item is no longer wearable, rise from the dinner table and announce with feeling "My shirt is dead. I need a new one."

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