I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings , wooden nickel

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings, thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible, thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind.



Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising, thank you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.



Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned and tempers are short, my children are so loud, thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.



Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced, thank you, Lord, for the food we have. There are many who are hungry.



Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous, thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.



Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest, thank you, Lord, for life!

= == = ====== == == = = = = = == = = = = == = = = = = = === = = = == == === = ==Hugs can say I love you

or cheer you when you're blue



Hugs can reassure you and take away your fear

and they can say "I will miss you dear"



Hugs are a loving way to say Good-bye

and an excellent way to say Hi



They can chase away clouds of gray

and make a sunny day



They break through the language barrier

and serve to make life merrier



And the best thing about them is that when we give them away

We have a whole new supply for the next day



Hugs are Free!

So send them to everyone you know because everyone can use a hug!

= == = = == = = = == = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = == A salesman, who is getting ready for his next trip, asks his wife to include a condom in his suitcase. His wife instantly asks why?

He replies, "Just a reminder if I want to try something different."

She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks, swings it in the air, and WHAM!! swings it up between his legs... After much pain, and gathering his composure, he asks, "Why the heck did you do that?"

She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try something different."

= = == == = == = == = = = = = = = = = = = = = = == = = = = = = = = = = = = = =Girl: You remind me of the sea. Boy: Why? Because I'm so wild and romantic? Girl: No. Because you make me sick.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = == == = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = ==Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They've just hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T- shirts and sandals when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."

Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie- died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"

Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"

The blonde replies "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!"

= = = = = == == = = = == = = = = = = = = = = == = = = = = == = = = = = = = ==== On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.

One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.

"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest."

"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked.

"Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."



2. Abbreviated Insults - for use in text messages on mobile phones or chat rooms

GOPlAinTraFk - Go play in traffic

UvGotAFAcLikASqEzdTBag - You've got a face like a squeezed tea-bag

IfUHdABrAnUdBDAjrus - If you had a brain you'd be dangerous

IfUWnt2AMndREdrTherWldBNoChrge - If you went to a mind reader there would be no charge

INoWenURLIinYaLpsMov - I know when you are lying, Your lips move

TLItsROnBtNo1isHOm - The lights are on, but no one is home

URAsMchUsAsMdGrdsOnATortus - You are as much use as mud guards on a tortoise

TWhElsMvnBtTHmstrsDEd - The Wheel's moving but the hamster's dead

URAsUsfLAsAChocl8Tpot - You are as much use as a chocolate teapot

UR1SndwchShrtOfAPiKnk - You are one sandwich short of a picnic

:-(YaBrAnIsntAsBgAsYa(_,_) - A pity your brain isn't as big as your bottom

= = == = === =. SIGNS THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE

* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments.

* You have his n' hers bedrooms.

* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labelled "Anthrax" and "Cyanide."

* Sex is scheduled for a Thursday evening in the boring bit between the news and the late night sports show.

* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.

* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.

* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.

* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.

* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.

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