A Cynic's Dictionary , wooden nickel

A Cynic's Dictionary

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.

BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.

CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.

CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of butts.

CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.

DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.

FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.

FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.

GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.

JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.

LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.

MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.

OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor's parakeet.

POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.

QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.

SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.

STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent.

SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.

STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now is merely a ' lady in waiting '.

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