IF NOAH HAD LIVED IN THE UNITED STATES TODAY !

IF NOAH HAD LIVED IN THE UNITED STATES TODAY And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year I'm going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed, but I want you to save the righteous people and two of every living thing on the earth. Therefore, I'm commanding you to build an ark." In a flash of lightening God delivered the specifications for an ark, and with great fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Well, exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth, and all the seas of the earth went into tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "Where is the ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the spotted owl. I finally convinced the US Forestry Service that I needed wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls, so no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the ark, but no owls." "When I started rounding up the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking two of each kind of animal aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now I'm trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I'm practicing discrimination by not taking Godless or unbelieving people on board. The IRS has seized my assets claiming I'm building an ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe them some kind of tax, and that I failed to register the ark as a recreational watercraft. Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the ark saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the ark for another 5 or 6 years." The sky began to clear and the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky, and Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," the Lord said sadly, "I don't have to. The government already has!"