Every Time....RedRiot

Every time I think I'm strong I come to find out that I'm not. It's hard for me, someone who has put up that front of being so strong for so many years. People think I'm unstoppable. People think I'm hard as a rock. They don't like it when I break down. I realized why I keep thinking it's either him or alone. My self-esteem is on the ground. I completely took for granted the fact that no one else would want me. I didn't even think about it so I thought those were my only options. And being alone seems like this horrible dreadful thing to me. Here I am in this big empty house with no pets, no job, nobody to smile and laugh with me. No one to kiss me and hold me. But let's face it, even that was like a chore to him. I want a man that every time I look in his eyes I can tell that he believes himself to be blessed by me. And I want to feel the same way about him. Since I am so afraid to be alone I know that that's all the more reason for me to do it. I hate that I know that. I wish I could just run back into his arms and we could be each other's everything, but we won't. He hasn't called. I thought of a pretty valid reason why I should call him. And after that is done I know I'll probably think if another and another until we just break down and start it up again...only to tear it down...again. Who wants that? But those few days, those first few moments back in one another's arms is like heaven. That relief sinks in and disappears and then we're left staring each other in the face, wondering why, wondering what were we thinking. He says he loves me, but you know what? I think he lied.

I think I'm losing it.

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