Grief

Life is complicated and the most challenging thing I have learned recently in life is how to deal with grief. My heart has been broken multiple times in life but sometimes a loss is more heart wrenching than you expect. For me that loss occurred January 28, 2018 when I miscarried, and that wasn’t even the first time it had happened for some reason it just was the most difficult.

Have you ever felt any of the following?

 You find yourself hiding out in the bathroom anywhere because of endless baby talk or to avoid anyone pregnant.  You walk home alone across town, in the freezing rain, just to get away from the latest baby announcement or to find the strength to be happy for them  You avoid family events because you can’t face it  You hate Facebook, but somehow still like to torture yourself by checking up on ‘what’s become of so-and-so’ just to see if there’s anyone left in the whole world who doesn’t have kids. You decide there isn’t…even though you know that isn’t true.  You’ve been depressed, listless and angry for so long now you reckon it’s probably the ‘new normal’ for you…

This was my life for the better part of the past 6 months. After suffering a miscarriage, following years of on and off trying to conceive I lost all hope. I decided I was “cursed” and that having a family wasn’t meant for me and as I was dealing with this, trying to learn how to cope, it felt like everyone else around me was announcing the start of or addition to their families.

I have been the worst part of myself so far this year and have spent the last month trying to regain some part of who I am beyond these emotions, beyond this grief. I am not ashamed to say, I listened to a dear friend’s advice and reached out for help, for someone to talk to. I am not ashamed to say, I still feel rather helpless sometimes and I probably take certain actions or words personally even if they aren’t meant that way. I am, however, proud to say that I feel more like myself than I have felt in months.

I have not ‘got over’ losing a pregnancy or not having children, but rather my heart has healed around that loss. It is a part of me; a precious, tender part of me that gives me a depth of compassion for others who suffer that was always in me, but which now has fully blossomed in my character. I would like to say all my bitterness is gone, but that would be a lie. I have simply learned to move past it when it appears and I am slowly working my way back to “normal”. I am finding now that:

 I have more courage now, because having healed this wound, I trust my resilience.  I have more empathy now for all disenfranchised groups, because I understand what it is to be stigmatized.  I have more patience and tolerance now for awkward and difficult people, because I know that each of us is carrying around invisible wounds, leaking pain from so many ungrieved losses.  I have more faith in my own process (and life) now, because I have understood that grief is the gift of love, not a cruel kicking when I was at my most vulnerable.

If you really, really want something, you go for it. That much we know. But what if there are extenuating circumstances? What if all the puzzle pieces aren’t there? What if you don’t have all the answers? How does one press on? Am I beyond the point of wanting a family? Am I done trying? No! I will begin my journey again eventually. I will keep trying to create the family my husband and I always wanted; however, before I do I need to be both strong enough and wise enough to be able to handle any wounds that might continue to occur from this journey. I must find my inner warrior to help me preserver. I have no doubt that I will become a better person from all of this, and I am positive that even if life doesn’t go as I plan, everything will be okay. For now, I’m just going to continue to take it one step at a time and focus on being the best me I can be instead of drowning in this grief and fear.

I am becoming the person I believe I should be instead of the person I had become.

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