Miscarriage

I haven't posted in a long time but I'm always in the shadows. Life gets busy and exciting and then it also gets heart breaking.

On January 8th I received the best news of my life. I was going to be a mother. On January 24th I received the worse news of my life: I am going to loss the baby.

The Truth about what it’s like to recover from a miscarriage is hard to explain. I have had my fair share of hardships but none that put me in such a weird state of mind for what feels like such a long time. In many ways it’s like dealing with any other loss, expect that you have no memories of the person to connect your grief to… A miscarriage is a loss of a life yet to be lived, yet to be discovered and that you will never get to know. The loss of something or someone you can’t hold on to, that pulls you into the air like a balloon on a string just wondering when you’ll float back down to earth.

We were only 5 weeks 4 days but we were excited. 8 years of trying and we were finally getting everything we wished for. Just to have it pulled out from under us in one second. We told our parents and siblings thinking we would be fine excited that we would finally bring a child into this world......lesson learned.

The initial telling family you lost the baby was terrible, but in a way a relief to have overcome such a trying time and come out alive and physically well on the other side of it. I am so grateful for my health and to be able to return to my normal exercise as an outlet, without which i may be in much worse condition emotionally that I have found myself to be. I am trying my hardest to be fine and stay happy for everyone else though.

The fact that there was nothing to do differently to have a different outcome in a future pregnancy is a tough pill to swallow - the fear of another failed attempt to bring life into this world is more than I can bare, so I mostly choose not to think about it. Ww will try again in April. I want to, I want a baby I want a family but the fear of failure, of letting my husband down, of letting myself down is consuming me with the idea of maybe I shouldn't but as I tell my kindergarteners "there's no I can't there is only I can, I can, I will." So we will try again.

I just need to refocus. I need to stop trying to have control over a situation that I have no control over. I need to heal.

So for now i just look to my tattoo of the sun, moon and stars and remember. Sometimes you need the sun to light up your life and others you need the moon and stars to brighten your darkest hours

My heart is broken but healing

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