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I'm not sure how I feel anymore

  Author:  66062  Category:(USM Events) Created:(9/6/2015 11:30:00 AM)
This post has been Viewed (202 times)

Mama is dead.

My psychologist is a douche bag.

I write reviews for a lot of authors now. And just currently got my review published on the back of a book from some guy who wrote some stuff for Wes Craven.

Funny how one second I can be so excited, tell my sister and brother and get "cool" and "awesome" ... that's all.

Doesn't help I've been battling depression.

Mama shouldn't have died.



.....

I should have died. I want to die. I'm tired of fighting. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. When I start feeling like I finally fit somewhere, life spits on me and laughs in my face.

....

Why couldn't I have just died when I was a teenager and slit my wrist? Why did God keep me alive? To take care of my mama just to watch her die?

... yeah not much new here I guess. Hope all of you are well.

Update... I couldn't take it anymore. I cut. for the first time in years. I feel worthless and there is no one I can talk to. Plus... People have their own problems. Who would want to add mine to the mix...

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Halloween is Right around the corner.. .







 
Replies:      
Date: 9/6/2015 3:57:00 PM  From Authorid: 998    It's hard for people to know what to say when they read this kind of post. The anguish that you're talking about isn't something that most people know about. Even I don't know and haven't experienced it. But my daughter has and as her parents we lived it through her. The cutting, the depression, the feeling of worthlessness, it's so difficult.

The people around you may not be as supportive as you need or be the kind that you need to talk to. But be assured there are lots of people especially here that care about you and that want to help you through this. We are not adding your problems to our problems, we are your friend and as such we love you.

I'm going to say what others are thinking, and it is easy to say but harder to do. Try to get some help. Whether it's an understanding aunt or uncle, friend, counselor, someone who will listen and try to understand you. I say it's harder to do because I watched my daughter in depression and it was hard for her to reach out to anyone.

We are here for you and have been for so many years. We are by your side and here to help. Talk to us and we will try to be your sounding board. Don't go through this alone.

  
Date: 9/6/2015 5:39:00 PM  From Authorid: 22721    I've dealt with depression for over half my life, but cutting yourself won't solve anything. All the cutting in the world won't do anything to make your situation better.

Get a different psychologist, and massage / reflexology has really helped with my depression. And maybe get a hobby or some other motivation.
  
Date: 9/6/2015 7:09:00 PM  From Authorid: 42945    Well my dear I cannot add anymore to what our Ginger has advised...but just to add again, that we are here for you dear..*hugs*   
Date: 9/6/2015 7:45:00 PM  From Authorid: 21435    No matter the age, losing a loved one is hard. Real hard. I started losing people when I was eight years old. Now, they're gone and I'm still here. They would want you to persevere. Don't give up. Do it in their memory and for the good you could possibly do. Write on....  
Date: 9/7/2015 1:00:00 AM  From Authorid: 26598    I had once loved a woman she was one of my better friend. I am legally deaf, I have hearing aids. She was one of the few people who talked to me like I was not stupid. She died from a simple procedure in a hospital. That taught me not all doctors know what they are doing. When her father called to tell me she had died. I had gone numb and drove lighting fast my fist into sheet rock. I did not even feel it, I had thrown a breakable coffee cup in to a door and it pierced half way through with out breaking. The following year I had gone out at night just begging for a fight. Men taller than me, saw my eyes and gave me a wide birth in passing. Here are the facts as you laid them out. Your pain is yours, it took me a year to be pleasant again, the conversations with God books By, Walsh help me to focus away from the pain. That number one. What you do to your body and even empty thoughts of your self worth, only help those that criticize you use your pain to advertise "See, I am right, he is a lost cause." I did not let the arrogant snob win.That is number 2. If you give up and just kill your self, you would be killing your mother all over again. The memories of her pride, affection and love, all your life, being born, doing well in school,graduation, and writing reviews that people respect and find as need to know opinion. Her body is in the ground, but I believe her spirit still cares, and still cheering you on to live. Write a journal detailing all the memories you have, so that maybe you can feel that by remembering she is never far. That's number three. Talk to people here at this website, keep going out with friends,and get a pet like a dog or cat. They are great to have when you feel depressed and alone. I would recommend health food stores that have herbal teas that can help with depression. There is a song by Billy joel, that helped me when I was still aching inside. The title was "Get your second wind".  
Date: 9/7/2015 9:28:00 AM  ( From Author ) From Authorid: 66062    Thank y'all so much. It means a lot to me. I'm still battling all of this, and I really hope I win. I can't make any promises though. But I honestly do feel like this is the cause of demons attacking me because the day before yesterday I was ripped out of sleep from being tormented. So there is no telling what will happen. I'm trying to stay in my bible but it's just getting harder and harder.

this is the first time I've ever opened up like this. Which scares me. But .. what can ya do once it's done. *shrugs* I'm not big into telling my feelings. I'm always the listener. (I don't mind. I love it) but sometimes I do wish people who are close to me could realize I'm not okay. You'd think if you knew someone 24 years they'd be able to see how much you are hiding.

I don't know. I'll keep y'all updated though I guess. Thank y'all all so much for being here for me.
  
Date: 9/7/2015 11:12:00 AM  From Authorid: 4144    Your mom would not want you to cut yourself.  
Date: 9/7/2015 11:53:00 AM  From Authorid: 31531    Hello there,we here at USM will listen and help you the best we can,Just know you are not alone.If you need someone to talk to just message me or if you like call me.Know I been battling depression for years,Finely got some help though my doctor.The thoughts are still there but I just push them away and think of beautiful thing.Take care stay positive and know we all care.   
Date: 9/7/2015 10:40:00 PM  From Authorid: 48250    We are here-----We CARE------Don't forget that <3-----T/C  
Date: 9/9/2015 3:03:00 AM  From Authorid: 998    Oh please keep us included in your life, progress, and journey. As you can see, there are people ... friends here to take this path with you. We do care, and want you to come through this.

Not sure if you have the means to seek professional help. Counselors or psychiatrists can help to unleash and unlock feelings. Channel them to a better place.

If your not seeking professional help, or medical intervention .. (like prozac or antidepressants), I can suggest picking up an herbal supplement carried at almost every drug store. It is over the counter and not all that expensive .. it is called St. John's Wort. It is a natural antidepressant and it works gently and over time.

I experienced what I would call situational depression. After loosing my mother to a long time illness, I felt myself slipping into a darkness that I had never been in before. I knew that I didn't want to appear 'weird, or a bit crazied' to my medical doctor, so I went online to search out something that might help. I read a lot about St. John's Wort and it sounded good. I took it for a month, everyday ... and it did ease the darkness. Helped me cope with the loss that I felt every hour of everyday. I still miss her incredibly, but I am dealing with it better after several years. My dreams are so much better too of her. It feels like in the morning, I have gotten to visit with her once again. I cherish that.
  
Date: 9/13/2015 9:09:00 PM  ( From Author ) From Authorid: 66062    Thank y'all. And yeah Ginger, I'm actually in therapy for over a year now. still haven't gotten anywhere yet. I make progress but end up having to start all over again. I just got a new doctor that I've seen 3 times, but I'm being placed with a new doctor because me and this doctor ended up verbally attacking each other. 30 mins of us screaming at each other. *shrugs* the moron shouldn't have took me off my old medication. There is a reason I'm on so many meds. Told me he wasn't going to put me on my old meds. Guess what? He gave me two back. LOL! Still not where I need to be though. I talked to my therapist and got his notes.... they made me and my sister SOOOO angry. But I have to admit I laughed when I read the "she has undertone of rage" statement. Not anger, not mad, but RAGE. *facepalm*
Hopefully this new doctor has more brains than this one.

As for my most recent update... It's been really hard and the devil almost got me today, but thankfully God saved me. &#9829;
  

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