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Date: 5/17/2012 4:46:00 PM
From Authorid: 62821
I once tried to commit suicide. I was under a lot of pressure from university. I felt i couldn't cope. I felt that too many people were taking care of me and that i was a burden to them. I wanted to relieve people of the burden of me. I cleaned my flat, fed my cat, ran a bath and played a particular sad song over and over. I wrote this tiny message to say goodbye. I wrote it tiny because i knew if i wrote more i would change my mind. I sat in the bath and did whatever and it wasn't working and then i realised what i was doing and that i needed help. I got out of the bath and called my mum. She was amazing. She took me to accident and emergency to get me stitched up, then spent the whole night with me at the psychiatric hospital to get me checked out. I knew i was sick. The health team couldn't see the problem. They referred me to day services rather than put me in hospital. I went back to university and became really unwell. Then i did something typical of schizophrenics and nearly murdered someone. My attempt failed but it could so easily have succeeded. When you feel like that you're capable of anything. Usually it's a cry for help and the death is an accident. It can be prevented but it takes mental strength on the part of the suicidal person. It happens when you least expect it.  |
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Date: 5/17/2012 5:01:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 66062
It takes great strength to call someone for help. It's great your mama was there for you as well :] But honestly, some people don't have that ya know >_< especially when you have someone like that person telling you how "horrible" you are. Makes you not wanna open up at all ever again  |
Date: 5/17/2012 5:51:00 PM
From Authorid: 53427
I'm so glad your attempt failed Dan, and don't ever do that again. That makes me sad, knowing you went through that. When I was in the worst of my depression, I would have these fleeting suicidal fantasies, but never something I would act on.  |
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Date: 5/17/2012 6:53:00 PM
From Authorid: 62821
Snookums, thank you, i won't. I heard once (on this site, actually) about something called 'quantum suicide' which is where, just when you think you're going to die, you quantum jump to another universe where you're still alive. And me with my schizophrenia and mad thoughts, i sometimes wonder if i actually succeeded. The funny thing is, when people see the scars on my wrist, they always say, "Oh you did it the RIGHT way". I'm like, "Did I? Uh-oh!" |
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Date: 5/17/2012 7:45:00 PM
From Authorid: 998
Hello ZombiePikachu. I liked your post. You said 'lol' at the end, but I feel that you say this with a lot of pain and at the same time understanding. I couldn't agree with you more .. be extra careful the words you say to anyone. They become feathers in the wind once they leave your mouth, and no matter how you apologize or try to take them back, it never can be done. I don't think anyone really knows what a person contemplating suicide is thinking. Each person comes to that decision for different reasons and can be pushed over the proverbial edge or brought back to reality by different things. I think we can only try our best if we know someone around us is getting to that point in their lives. I don't mean to write a book here, but I had a dear cousin commit suicide many years ago. It seemed to come out of nowhere, and she left behind 5 of the most wonderful kids. There isn't a week I don't think of her, and wonder if any of us could have made her rethink her actions that day. It's a question that will never have an answer, sadly.  |
Date: 5/17/2012 7:46:00 PM
From Authorid: 998
To Dan, I'm so glad you didn't achieve what you were aiming at that day. We have truly enjoyed having you and your thoughts here on my site.  |
Date: 5/17/2012 7:56:00 PM
From Authorid: 62602
i agree. selfish? how can it be selfishg when OTHWERS make them feel like they don't belong in this world?, they're "granting their wish" in other words the ones who say tha are selfish cause what do they say when they die? "omg i wish i had done/said something", or "i wish i had been there" or "i wish they told me..."ect. the thing they cant seem to get is they may have but no one cares UNLESS THEY ARE GONE. i feel the same way all the time.  |
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Date: 5/17/2012 8:00:00 PM
From Authorid: 62602
sorry for the typos...i'm kinda drunk lol |
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Date: 5/17/2012 8:45:00 PM
From Authorid: 62821
Thanks Ginger, you know I love you and USM and I feel very much at home here among friends and I'd never do such a thing again. At least I hope not... AnimeStar, I don't think it is genuinely selfish to commit suicide, but it's just misguided. When you're in such despair sometimes you think doing it is the most caring thing you could do... |
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Date: 5/18/2012 9:39:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 66062
I thank ya'll all for understanding. And yeah Even with the "lol" I know all this way to well. From a 15 year old I went to school with. to my own experience. In which one day, I may share cuz Lord knows... they still haunt me to this day >_< |
Date: 5/18/2012 2:33:00 PM
From Authorid: 11097
I have conflicting thoughts on this... I know people who have committed suicide, although not close to me, I still knew them. I think it is devastating for everyone concerned, for the person who is so full of helplessness and sadness that they feel there is no way out, to the people that do love this person, know this person, and will grieve their loss. I don't think selfish is the right word, but I do believe that to be trapped in that state of mind is a very low and terrible place to be. Not selfish, but looking to end suffering. But... we all suffer. The best defense for a person who is thinking about taking their life is to reach out and find people who do care and love them. Sometimes all it takes is a realization. But I will say, when you get left behind, it leaves an awful empty place inside you- one that can lead to guilt and regret for the people who couldn't 'help' that person. Such a sad thought   |
Date: 5/18/2012 4:10:00 PM
From Authorid: 45948
I agree with this post so much. I attempted suicide about 10 years ago. Luckily my ex forgot his keys and came in and found me. I was diagnosed manic depressive/bipolar and have been on medications every since, but I wasn't thinking about myself at the time. It took many years of therapy and getting the right combination of medication to get myself "normal". I now volunteer at a suicide hotline sometimes when I start to feel down on myself.  |
Date: 5/19/2012 6:25:00 AM
From Authorid: 4995
I remember attempting suicide. I wrote a good-bye note to the love of my life from years ago. Locked myself in the bathroom after swallowing a bottle of pills and started cutting on my wrists. I had called my best friend and told her good bye. She in turn called my husband and he came and broke down the bathroom door to get me and BOOM I was in the mental ward for days. It's no fun to have your stomach pumped either. I remember how sad I was at the time and felt no one cared. She saved my life that day. I love her more for it and now I am going through a difficult time with a family member who called me worthless I'm no way looking for an easy way out. Just write out the feelings. Enough now...G.  |
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