The depressive side of BiPolar...~FieryMomOf2~

Some of you know, some don't, that I am BiPolar (manic-depressive). It is generally well controlled with medications, meditation, prayer, etc. Yet every year around this time I get into a funk. This year I know it's because of the stress of the move, it seems like everything that can go wrong has, and I am just...run down.... I'm trying so hard to feel the holiday spirit, the love of the Savior whose birthday we celebrate, yet I find myself crying randomly over the smallest things.

This is the first time in ...well..ever I guess, that I won't have a Christmas tree. There's still boxes everywhere, and there's no room. I wanted to give my kids at least that much, even if there will be very little to put under it. To their credit, I have 2 amazing boys that are taking it in stride, all they want is for us to just be together on Christmas. My boys have matured well beyond their years ever since their daddy died 6 years ago as of Dec 27. Ryan, my oldest, I have posted about numerous times, he has Asperger's Syndrome and is BiPolar as well. He has attained the rank of Life Scout in Boy Scouts and we are working on Eagle Scout. Jacob, my youngest, is already First Class. They caught me crying tonight after the day just overwhelmed me, but I didn't feel it was right to lay my burdens at their doorstep. Ryan is still a little oblivious to things, such is the nature of Asperger's, but Jacob just "sensed" something was wrong and came in "just for a hug."

I have a lot to be thankful for, I know. I am surrounded by family and friends that will offer at least prayer, which is the strongest weapon in a Christian's arsenal. It's just that sometimes, I get so caught up in the details of things, I lose sight of the "big picture." My mind starts to wandering and thinking "Would they be better off without me?" I try to shut the thoughts off, I try to calm my mind and reassure myself that God has His hand on me, and that things WILL be ok. Patience is just not a virtue I've ever perfected. I want things to be fixed NOW, and that's just not His plan.

My amazing fiance' Billy does his best to care for me and support me. He knew going in what he was in for with my BiPolar and anxiety/panic disorder. Yet he's never faltered in his emotional support. I sometimes feel like I'm broken and can't be "fixed." Yet he's there, loving me, encouraging me, and doing the small things to make me smile in the midst of everything blowing up in my face.

I can tell myself this over and over again, yet the ol' Devil of Doubt and Despair come creeping into my thoughts and I can't get them out. I am a survivor, I have been through worse, but I'm also older and I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. When I first joined USM, I used to write poem after poem, and even that has left me.

I feel no self-pity, no "woe is me." Just a deep sense of darkness, like a child lost in the night. I ask for prayer (FB tonight, for example) then I wonder "Did those who commented and said they would pray, really do it?" That's horrible of me to think that. The 2 people that did respond, I do know without a doubt they will actually pray. And I guess that's my purpose here. If any of you could just take a moment to offer up a prayer for me to find some sort of peace and stability, it will give me some hope in this world.

I love this place, I love the friends I have made, and I have truly missed coming here. I'm hoping we get to keep internet long enough this time for me to be able to stay.

I tried to sort my thoughts into some sort of order, so I hope all that made sense...simply put, I just need earnest prayer.

Love you all...

Melissa/FieryMomOf2

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