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which version of this poem is better? A MERGER? DONUTS

  Author:  43807  Category:(Poetry) Created:(6/19/2010 7:53:00 PM)
This post has been Viewed (1624 times)

#1
Barely Awake

Aching to remember his face
I lay barely awake
A pawn in someone’s game
So lost, confused and aflame

My life suddenly suppressing
As I slip into depression
Sick of living, sick of dying

I’ve fallen, so take me,
Revive me, in this broken palace
In which I lie barely awake

------

#2
Aching to remember his face
I lay barely awake
A pawn in someone’s game
So lost, confused and aflame


Life in this broken palace
Soon became a game of give and take
Memories came to haunt, memories came to taunt
As I lay barely awake
Aching for a familiar face
Even in heartache I feared daybreak
In this castle in which I lay barely awake.
Barely Awake


#3
Aching to remember his face
I lay barely awake
A pawn in someone’s game
So lost confused and aflame

My life suddenly suppressing
As I slip into depression
Sick of living, sick of dying

Life in this broken palace
Soon became a game of give and take
Memories came to haunt, memories came to taunt

As I lay barely awake
Aching for a familiar face
Even in heartache I feared daybreak
In this castle in which I lay barely awake.
I’ve fallen so take me,
Revive me in this broken palace
In which I lie barely awake

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Halloween is Right around the corner.. .







 
Replies:      
Date: 6/19/2010 7:57:00 PM  ( From Author ) From Authorid: 43807    Maybe I should ask which one should I go with?  
Date: 6/19/2010 8:10:00 PM  From Authorid: 63041    I think both versions work, but I personally like number 1 more. Hope that helps.  
Date: 6/20/2010 1:57:00 AM  From Authorid: 998    OK, I have read each one twice .. and I still can't decide which one I like best. They both have so much emotion in them. I think they are really two different ideas and ways of verbalizing. Don't throw out either one. I like them both !!  
Date: 6/20/2010 9:10:00 AM  From Authorid: 34078    #2; because you are telling how you feel.  
Date: 6/20/2010 12:54:00 PM  From Authorid: 63846    I think I like the second one most... It's the most emotional.   
Date: 6/20/2010 12:57:00 PM  From Authorid: 63041    The combined is really good.  

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