Aimless made me think... ~FieryMomOf2~

I read Aimless' poem about loving and being in love, and it made me think deeply. I have loved the same man for 20+ years now. I fell in love with him when I was 15, and I'm almost 39 now. He took my breath, and still does to this day. He was 2 years ahead of me in high school, so he graduated first and went off into the Army. He wrote me a few times when he was stationed, then we lost contact except for the occasional run-in at Wal-Mart when he was discharged and came back home.

I found him again on Facebook and immediately friended him. I started off with the general "Hi how are you, long time no see" chitchat, and then I went for the heart. I told him that he'd always had a special place in my heart, that just a look from him, just seeing his picture, makes my heart quiver. It was a very long and detailed message. With more than a few moment's hesitation, I finally hit send.

No response for a couple of days and then finally he responded. He acknowledged my feelings but admitted that he is fighting personal demons of his own that attack him physically, and thus, mentally and emotionally and is not ready for a relationship right now. I can accept that. A few days later, I was talking to a mutual friend of ours, and she let it slip that he had fibromyalgia. I was devastated. I sent him a message back detailing my personal issues, and basically letting him know that I was there for him, and that I wasn't going to be a fair-weather friend. No response.

I find myself comparing potential dates to him, and they always come up short. No one sets my heart aflutter like this man. No one invades my dreams and my waking thoughts like he does.

So now I don't know what to do. Let it ride? I hinted in the last email I sent that word gets through in the grapevine that is our small East Texas town, and I'm aware of some of his problems, although I didn't mention the fibro specifically.

I've overanalyzed my heart till there's no analyzing left to do. I've tossed it, turned it, played out different scenarios, and there's just no getting around it. I've played it off as a high school crush that just never left me, and it's so much more than that. I truly love and am in love with him.

So do I just continue to bide my time until he works through his demons and comes to grip with the reality that he is living with?

I don't want to push him, make him angry or push him away. Our mutual friend even tried talking to him about me, and he avoids the subject.

I pray for him on a daily basis, and often I am overcome with emotion thinking about him or praying for him.

God knows what's truly in my heart. I just don't know what to do. I would do anything for this man, anytime, anywhere.

Patience has never been a virtue of mine.

The poem affected me deeply and it made me realize just how much I do love him. But I'm afraid if I push, I'll drive him farther away.

Love can be so royally messed up sometimes.

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