Nothing Works
I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.
I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.
She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.
"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dress Shop Burglary
"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.
"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.
"What did you steal?" the judge asked.
"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.
"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Present
Kid 1: "I got my sister a VCP for her birthday."
Kid 2: "Don't you mean a VCR?"
Kid 1: "No, a VCP ... Very Cheap Present!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just Before I Die
Showing his friend around his his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"Well," his friend replies, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!"
"And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Golden Anniversary
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
"Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
19871 Category:(Humor) Created:(7/3/2009 5:31:00 PM)