Dumb Questions

A stitch in time saves nine what?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Are there any unguided missiles?

Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?

Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can a stupid person be a smart-butt?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do boxer shorts box?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Do clowns wear really big socks?

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Do fish get thirsty?

Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do mass murderers kill only in church?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do steam rollers really roll steam?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do witches run spell checkers?

Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? --Steven Wright

Does killing time damage eternity?

Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press? I don't get it. --Steven Wright

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?

Have you ever wondered?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

How come chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows?

How come I can pick my ears but not my nose?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How did the man who invented cottage cheese know he was done?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?

How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?

How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How does a person with a lisp pronounce that word?

How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?

How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How is it possible to have a "civil" war?

How is it possible to run out of space?

How long is the long arm of the law?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"

If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?

If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?

If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle? --Tom Robbins

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn't it reverse up and down?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?

If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air? --Steven Wright

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If all the world is a stage, where are the audience sitting?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green, and a lemon called a yellow?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in a beeiary?

If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If corn oil is made from corn, what is baby oil made from?

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?

If humans have nightmares, what do horses have

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? --Dennis Miller

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? --Art Hoppe

If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn?

In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?

Is "tired old cliché" one?

Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?

Is a small pig called a hamlet?

Is an oxymoron a really dumb bovine?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?

Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?

What do batteries run on?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do penguins wear for play clothes?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

What do they call a French kiss in France?

What do they call coffee breaks at the Lipton Tea Company?

What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do you call male ballerinas?

What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

What happened to the first 6 UP's?

What happens if you get scared half to death, ...twice? --Steven Wright

What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?

What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

What happens when you swallow your pride?

What if hell really did freeze over? What would we be using instead?

What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What is a refried bean? Why do they have to fry it twice?

What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?

What is the speed of dark?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

When you put a sheet over your head for Halloween, are you a ghost or a mattress?

Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

Where does your lap go when you stand up?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

Where is Old Zealand?

Who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

Why are highways build so close to the ground?

Why are raisins called raisins if they are only dried grapes? Why not just call them dried grapes?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?

Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why can't we tickle ourselves?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers? --Fred Allen

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