= = = = = KIDS TAKES ON RELIGION = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Kids On Religion

When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. So I pulled out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her. Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us?"

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented: "The choir was awful this morning." The father commented: "The sermon was too long." Their 7-yr. old daughter added: "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dime."

I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after me. One night she said she was ready to solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."

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Strength and Courage

It takes strength to be certain, It takes courage to have doubts. It takes strength to fit in, It takes courage to stand out. It takes strength to share a friend's pain, It takes courage to feel your own pain. It takes strength to hide your own pain, It takes courage to show it and deal with it. It takes strength to stand guard, It takes courage to let down your guard. It takes strength to conquer, It takes courage to surrender. It takes strength to endure abuses, It takes courage to stop them. It takes strength to stand alone, It takes courage to lean on a friend. It takes strength to love, It takes courage to be loved. It takes strength to survive, It takes courage to live. May you find strength and courage in everything you do, And may your life be filled with Friendship and Love!

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In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her new dog. The clerk suggested that she bring the pup in for a proper fit. "I can't do that!" the lady said. "The sweater is a surprise!"

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In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires. "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key." The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key."

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In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant past or to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered...After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you? "The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner. "The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follow: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed,...you would have found the gravy ladle by now!" it's under your pillow.

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"The Difference Between Men and Women"

( If I had to pick an all time fav joke this would be it ! It is long but it is worth every reading! Enjoy ! ~AIKEN~)

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. > They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" > And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. > And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. > And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? > And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. > And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

> And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a blasted garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. > And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. > And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbuckets. > And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. > And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their... > "Roger," Elaine says aloud. > "What?" says Roger, startled. > "Please don't torture yourself like this, " she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.) > "What?" says Roger. > "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." > "There's no horse?" says Roger. > "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. > "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. > "It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says. > (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) > "Yes," he says. > (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) > "Oh , Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. > "What way?" says Roger. > "That way about time," says Elaine. > "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." > (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) > "Thank you, Roger," she says. > "Thank you," says Roger. > Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) > The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. > They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. > Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it -- this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden. So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue." Adam says, "That sounds great." God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam says, "DaRn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"

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