= = = = = WHY DO HUMMINGBIRDS HUM ? = = = = = WOODEN NICKEK

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?

A: Because they don't know the words!

===================

Q: Why did the waiter fall over?

A: He was tipped.

====================

Tina Turner worked on a farm for a while before becoming famous. She was in charge of chickens and chicken-feed and egg gathering. Being an intelligent, efficient woman, it wasn't long before she was bored with her daily routine, and decided to play mental games to keep things interesting. One of these games involved ranking the hens in order of egg productivity. The number one hen laid two eggs a day, one in the morning and one at night, without fail. The second hen laid at least one a day, sometimes two, and the third rarely laid a second egg. One morning, Tina noticed that one of the hens seemed to be infatuated with her. The hen followed Tina around the barnyard making moon-eyes and ignoring her feed. Being off her feed, the hen didn't lay. This caused her to drop from number 2 to number 3 in the rankings. Years later, Tina Turner had the opportunity to ask, in a song, "What's love got to do with it? What's love but a second hen demotion?"

===================

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me," said the girl. "It's my old aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

==================

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

==================

"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."

=================

Exercise for Seniors - For those who are getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen! Three days a week works well. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

===================

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first. "Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?" The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Wonderful," said the psychiatrist. "Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people." "Definitely," said the psychiatrist. "Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution." "Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor. "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

=====================

When Michelin, Goodyear, and Firestone workers become 65 years old, do they simply quit work, or merely re-tire?

===================

Just in time for the new fall TV Season CBS is releasing a new reality series called JEWISH SURVIVOR.

16 Jews are put in a two-bedroom co-op on the Upper West Side of New York. Each week they vote out one member until there is a final survivor who gets $1 million (but placed into a trust that does not vest until age 59).

The Rules: 1. No maid service. 2. No use of ATMs or credit cards. 3. No food from take-out or delivery which includes Chinese food. 4. All purchases must be at retail prices. 5. No calls to mother for women, office for men. 6. Outside trips must be by foot, bus or subway. NO limos or cabs. 7. All workouts/exercise must be done in regular sweats -- no designer labels. 8. Zabars is off limits. 9. No Jewish geography. 10. No, NY Times. Only, NY Post or NY Daily News. 11. No Pottery Barn, J. Crew, Lands End or William Sonoma catalogs. 12. Only one phoneline for all 16 Tribe members. No call can last more than 3 minutes. No cell phones. 13. Maintenance problems must be resolved by the Tribe, without help from any gentile or super. 14. All therapy sessions suspended. 15. No consulting with attorneys. 16. No whitefish, lox, or bagels. 17. No antacids of any kind.

There have been no applicants yet

=================

Moishe and Sadie, hoping to get rid of their Rabbi, decided to trap him by exposing his hypocrisy when his wife went to Israel to visit her family. The Rabbi was working at home, as he usually did on Wednesday mornings, preparing his Shabbat sermon, when the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was Sadie standing outside. She opened her coat, revealing that she was only wareing a small frilly white apron. "Do you want to play games?" Sadie asked, "I'll be Mimi, the French maid." "Wonderful, wonderful," the Rabbi said, "come right in and take off your coat." He looked Sadie over and said, "OK, let's play. You're the maid and I'm the housewife. I'm going out to have lunch with a couple of my friends, and while I'm gone, you're going to start in the kitchen. Be careful with the crockery and don't mix up the silverware. OK?"

================

A pig walked into a bar and asked, "Do you serve root beer?" The bartender said he did. "I'd like one, please," the pig said. After the pig had finished, he asked to use the rest room. After the pig left, another pig came in and asked for two root beers. This pig then asked for the rest room just like the first one had. Two more pigs came in. One ordered three root beers and the other four. They too used the rest room. When a fifth pig came in, the bartender said, "Let me guess, you want five root beers." The pig was shocked. "Why, yes. Yes, I would." When he was done he started to walk out. The bartender was confused. "Don't you want to use the rest room like the other four pigs did?" "No, I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

===================

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet Their Maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line, Pauly, starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, Pauly is rolling on the floor, laughing like crazy.

Finally, God reaches Pauly and asks him what his wish will be. He finally calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

Show all stories by   Author:  27583 ( Click here )