Almost hit her -- ShipPagan

This is my first attempt at this kinda work. So if it seems "wrong", please tell me, I apologise in advance. ^_^'

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It's frustrating, to love someone so much. It's annoying, to have so much distance between us. And yet, we are here, less then a metre from eachother. Silence descended upon us what felt like hours ago, but it was only moments.

My hand still in mid-air, ready to strike, her face one of fear and anger. I was going to hit her! I loved her as much as life, but I was prepared to hit her. Knock her down. How could I!?

I hate her silence. She won't talk to me. She never tells me what's wrong. She only wants me to hold her. Which I gladly do, but I need more. I need to know what's wrong, what's happening in her life to make her upset. It feels as though she does not trust me. And it hurts.

I confronted her about her silence. We began to fight. Heated words were exchanged, some real, some petty ... some lies. Questions were raised, but skipped over un-answered like "Do you really love me?". My anger slowly rised with hers, but never before was there the realistic threat of violence.

There I stood, ready to hit the one I loved. I disgust myself. I lower my arm slowly, and I quickly leave the room, tears escaping from my eyes. I am no better than any other animal. I do not deserve anything she has to give me. Let alone her love.

I grab a bag of mine lying nearby, and I hurriedly grab items of clothing and shove them into it. "What are you doing?" came that sweet, strong voice from behind me. I do not turn around, but I pause and answer, "What does it look like?" my voice is unstable, and it comes out all cracked.

"It looks to me like your planning to leave." Was that fear I heard? No... why would there be. Why would she be afraid of my leaving? "Yes." I say weakly, barely able to keep my self from crying.

"Why?" came her next question, surprise in her wonderful voice this time. "BECAUSE!" I yelled, more camly and very quietly, "...because." I stand there head lowered, still with my back to her. Suddenly arms embrace me from behind, arms so familiar they can not be mistaken. The wonderful arms that have held me many times. "Don't..." I say weakly, "...don't."

Slowly she move from behind me, never letting me go, to face me. She looked up at me, and started into my eyes, and again asked "Why?"

I do not meet her gaze, I fight it. I can not stand to look into her beautiful blue eyes. Not now. "Because ... I ..."

"Don't you love me anymore?" shocked at her question, I can no longer control myself. I wrap my arms about her, and hold her to me as tightly as I can, "Of course I do!" and I begin to weep. Repeatedly I cry out between sobs, "Forgive me! Please forgive me!"

"Shhh." She quitely says to me, "There is nothing to forgive. You didn't do anything. You stopped."

"But I was going to!"

"But you didn't." She kept saying. "I wouldn't forgive you if you did, but I know you wouldn't forgive yourself either. Nothing happened. Leave it at that..."

Upset and tired, I cried myself to exhausted sleep in her arms on our bed.

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